“Sometimes, you just gotta go to Five Guys,
grab a fatty burger
eat it like a man
and be like
we’re not gonna bang.”
Dating culture! It’s a mess. But you know what’s also a mess? Friendzoning culture. It’s uncomfortable, it’s at times painfully awkward, and it’s riddled with social issues: in short, it’s pretty damn messy.
So when you have to rip that no-sexy-times band aid off, how do you transform the associated upset from something rather unpleasant into something relatively delicious?
Apparently the answer is a messy burger, and a trip to your local Five Guys.
Now I’m not talking from experience here. Instead, a highly reputable and well trusted source (e.g. my good friend… Jane Doe) suggests that your run-of-the-mill, innocuous Five Guys is the ultimate location for a successful anti-proposal experience.
Five Guys, she says, is all about good, friendly times (with a strong focus on the “friend” element) and bro fists. Yep you heard me right, ladies and gentlemen, brofists. The ultimate in non-committal-yet–generally-positive acquaintanceship!
So just how does one decline unwanted advances, and why is Five Guys a prime location? Jane explains it simply: you sit em down, grab something tasty to chew on, and hit them with the truth.
‘They might be a bit sad but it’s like, “I’m eating a really good burger, so I don’t hate it”.’
For those of you who have never experienced a “friendzone” situation before, you may be wondering; why is it so necessary to have a clear cut, positive, potentially burger-filled experience?
Well, because that happy brofist feeling of mutual recognition and acknowledgement is so often missing from these interactions. A ‘Five Guys and brofist’ style conversation leaves no room for the demonic ‘You lead me on and I hate you for it’ glare, or the awkwardly long hug of ‘You say that, but we’re still getting together, right?’- instead, one person’s lack of interest and consent is accepted by the other party, and they both continue on with their lives in harmony.
Pretend, for a moment, that all your learned behaviours have disintegrated away, and your mind is as fresh and pure as a lightly toasted roll. Would you still believe in the friendzone? Think about it- there is such a thing as having your advances rejected, and such a thing as being platonic friends. Yet, the concept of the “friendzone” seems to suggest that the person looking for a relationship has a physical right to one with the other person, regardless of their wishes; and that is utter bullshit.
Sure, if you ordered a burger and it didn’t come with mayonnaise you would be a little pissed, and rightly so. That mayonnaise was promised to you by the restaurant, you gave them your hard earned cash, and you deserve mayonnaise!
But here’s where reality differs; Life isn’t a restaurant. You can put as much money, or thought, or time in as you’d like, but you’re not owed anything. You can’t order a person, and you certainly can’t complain when they don’t come with a side of romance.